The New Emily Post

I may need a little updating in the etiquette department. When I was a lad I learned that when people are dining together, particularly couples, and when I was a lad most (at least obvious) couples dining together were opposite sex couples, (we'll get to same sex couples in a moment so don't go all PC on me yet) that the woman should be seated in the seat with the best view, like, looking at the sunset, or out the window, and the gentleman should be seated where he might best direct his attention to his dining partner. Apparently these days, no one has heard of this, even people older than myself who might be expected to have had some sort of etiquette instruction in school.

75% of the time I pull a chair out for a woman, she heads to the other seat. Now, some of the time this might be some lingering feminism - "I don't need any man to pull out a chair for me", but I don't think so. It may be that I have a warped perspective on what constitutes the better view. But mostly it's just obliviousness.

So, do me this favor- when you go to a restaurant, let the hosts do their job. Let them lead you to a table, and don't negotiate with them about where to sit unless there is some obvious problem like sitting next to a person who has doused themselves in a gallon of cologne, or at a table next to one of your sworn enemies. They really have your best interests in mind. They want to take you to a place which will be comfortable for you and your companions, where you will be able to get great service and thoroughly enjoy your meal.

Obviously etiquette changes. When dealing with couples of any sort I typically pull out the chair for both of them, starting with the woman. When she rushes around to the other seat, I move around and push the chair in for the gentleman. When dealing with same sex couples I pull out the chair for the person closest to the table, although I wouldn't be surprised to see a little sexism creeping in and finding myself trying to identify the more femme of the duo. I'm seeing the gesture, whether made for a man or woman as just being inviting. A way of saying, I'm glad you are here, I'm at your service, what I can I do to ensure you have a good time. Perhaps this behavior just isn't appropriate any longer. I don't know.

While I understand the snob appeal of the "power table" or the snub of being seated in "Siberia" this just doesn't apply in most cases. Certainly not here, in the sticks. That's what it's called, not just by my mother-in-law. There is a local bumper sticker, promoting the high school football team that reads, XXXXXXXX Football, Welcome to the Sticks. There is no scene, no see and be seen. People certainly do greet each other and spend time visiting at other tables, but I can't imagine anyone feeling slighted that so and so got a "better" table.

This seems a little conflicted, because I'm bemoaning the lack of etiquette knowledge of my patrons while reveling in the absence of one of the grosser institutions of "proper behavior". This is what happens when you put a hippie raised, spent enough time south of the Mason-Dixon line to feel courtly, spent enough time in Manhattan to be provincial and snobby in charge of a restaurant in Northern California. The poor guy gets confused. How they hell should he behave these days?

Comments

[jsp]

I find that, often, when I pull the chair out for the woman the man jumps ahead and sits before she does. Or, she sits and he pushes me aside and makes a big show of pushing her chair in. She then makes a face like she is thinking since when does he push my chair in?

A big pet peeve is when I say "good evening. How are you two tonight?" and the customer's response is to hold up two fingers and say "two". How about responding to the person who just greeted you? "Were fine, thank you" or "Well, it is a little chilly outside but were glad to be here." or "We're hungry and looking forward to dinner." Or even "Actually, we are meeting people so we will need a table for four." I am not greeting you to hear the sound of air pass my teeth. I am actually greeting you. Saying hello. Asking how you are. Not wanting to find out at what age you gave up learing social skills ("two").

[jen maiser]

I once went on a first date with a guy here in the city -- we went out to dinner and I chose the seat facing outward, leaving the seat facing the wall for him (and not really because I knew the etiquette but mostly cause I got to the table first and that was the most convenient place for me to sit). He said, "Oh, I see you have chosen the POWER position." He was intimating that I, as the woman, should not have taken the dominant position. Needless to say that was a first and last date.

These days, I often give Jason the seat facing out - but it's mostly because I know that he is more comfortable where he can see what's going on.

[kitchenmage]

Last time I dined at a place where this was an issue (not something I do often because my "sticks" makes your "sticks" look like NYC), the person seating us was poised to seat me (woman) facing the wall and my companion (male) facing the room. As we arrived at the table, we noted that if we swapped intended places, my partner could watch the flamenco guitarist and I could watch the open kitchen, both of which were highly desirable.

So I mentioned it to the host who not only seated us that way but told the guitarist that he had a fellow musician next to him so we got to chat a bit and he made a point of sitting in such a way that my friend could watch his hands as he played. Now that's service!

Had we not said anything, dinner would still have been lovely, but not quite so personalized. I also would not have thought it had anything to do with the staff's manners/training, my stance on women's issues, or some absurd idea about which seat was "powerful" -- it's only dinner after all.

[dafina girl]

I love it when my chair is pulled out for me, personally. But don't you also also think chivalry can be feminine too. Like: sometimes I pay the bill, or pour the wine/green tea/whatever into the other person's glass first. Good manners knows no gender.

[dafina girl]

I love it when my chair is pulled out for me, personally. But don't you also also think chivalry can be feminine too. Like: sometimes I pay the bill, or pour the wine/green tea/whatever into the other person's glass first. Good manners knows no gender.

[foodcrazee]

i totally agree, even here in Malaysia, all the etiquettes are a goner.

Its kinda hard to see that nowadays in all restaurant. To claim its a western thingy is the wrong word to use, as most Malaysian will say that. What a NOOB

[sam]

hey haddock - you should get your posts rounded up in the Slow Pig Blogging weekend. I have to say it inspired me and I would love to learn more about making carcuterie. I wish the Fatted Calf still did lessons. This is onlt the beginning of a learning experience for me.

You might see a lot of pigginess oon food blogs today.
Did you see Derrick's (Obsession with Food) lard making exercise? SOmething else I have to try. I also want to try and make a sausage (or two).

though I am going to start out with smaller ones than yours!